Yesterday's choices!

I often see discussions on the forums I frequent about people regretting and lamenting past life decisions, especially those they feel have shaped their current circumstances in an undesirable way.

They believe these decisions, whether physical or emotional, have negatively impacted their lives, and the resulting sadness and hopelessness are evident in their posts.

Dealing with heart health issues myself, I've noticed these feelings are very widespread in the health forums I visit. 

Am not sure if you have these feelings but I want to reassure you that they are not just "forum talk". They are actually a known psychological response to persistent illness. Living with a heart condition can increase feelings of anxiety and in turn the emotional stress of regret can have a negative impact on your heart health symptoms. This creates a difficult cycle - regret leads to stress, which can heighten symptoms, leading to more feelings of regret.

I think we do it because we are trying to make sense of the diagnosis, and it's a very human reaction to search for a reason or a cause, even if it means blaming ourselves. 

There are a few crucial points I would like to make here. Firstly it is impossible to live a blameless life, making mistakes, errors in judgement is what makes us human and actually how would we learn if we did not make the mistake in the first place. I am not lessening the regret you may feel but I am saying it can be a powerful tool to help us become the person we want to be in the future. 

So acknowledging any regrets you may have (whether they are justified or not!) and accepting them is an essential part of moving on.

Don't try to ignore the sadness. Allow yourself to process these emotions without letting them consume you. You could try to flip these feelings instead. For example, what can you take away from this? Step away from the past and think about what you would like to do differently in the future. Don't just focus on the negative - focus on the valuable lesson it may have taught you.

Now the experts tell you to forgive yourself. But how do you do this? This is often the hardest part. You've learned the lesson, now it's time to try and let go of the self-blame. Whatever led you down this path, to this point, is now in the past. Yes they were actions you took but they do not have to define who you are now. You may have made choices you wish you hadn't but you can regret the action without condemning yourself. Hopefully you can then see you are a good person who is capable of making mistakes, just like everyone else.

I know it's an old cliché, but if you'd offer a friend kindness and empathy for the things they have done that they wish they hadn't, why not extend that to yourself? Understanding the connection between old choices and current outcomes can transform a negative experience into a powerful opportunity and a fresh start. Grab it with all you have and keep moving forward. 

This brings to mind my grandson, when he was just a young boy. He loved (and still does to be honest) his assorted collection of soft toy monkeys. But he was also a little boy and was always getting into mischief so blunders were a part of daily life. But of course, whether it was creating a mess in the living room after mum had tidied up or the choccies in the sweetie bowl going down rather mysteriously, the culprit was always, and quite conveniently, one of his monkeys. He’s a teenager now, a truly fine young man (no bias here of course ☺️), but those early lessons stuck with him. He learned that even when you'd rather find a way to shift the blame, the buck stops with you, and that taking responsibility is a valuable part of growing up.

If I could give you one tip it would be to ban the words “I should have ….” and change them to “from now on I will ….”

Thanks for reading and a virtual hug to you all.