The Anxiety of Excellence

I know this might be a strange thing to admit at my age, but I've recently had a significant realisation. For a long time, I dismissed my tendencies for everything to be a certain way as mere over-eagerness or an idiosyncrasy. A simple desire for things to be "just right." However, through writing my blog and interacting on various online communities, I can now see that the issue runs much deeper: it's an unobtainable desire for perfectionism that is deeply interwoven with my anxiety. Unfortunately this pursuit only feeds my anxiety, creating a cycle that becomes so overwhelming it leads to exhaustion. Basically, anyone suffering as I do, chases an unattainable perfection hoping to gain a sense of safety, worth, or control, but in reality, that very striving amplifies the anxiety we're trying so hard to escape. 

Perfectionism is often rooted in a fear of failure or rejection, which serves as a core driver of anxiety. The anxious mind adopts this faulty logic: "If I can just get everything right, I won't be judged, hurt, or abandoned."

High standards serve as an anxious coping mechanism, offering a false sense of control over uncertainty. Unfortunately, when those standards are unrealistic, the inevitable shortfalls are treated as personal failures, massively increasing the very anxiety we're trying to contain..

The fear of not doing something perfectly is so powerful that it makes it difficult to even begin, causing procrastination. This delay then increases both stress and self-criticism, locking the anxious person into a deeper cycle of worry..

The cycle is simply self-reinforcing: anxiety and perfectionism constantly fuel each other. Every perceived flaw or missed goal is treated as evidence of inadequacy, prompting you to set even more demanding, unattainable standards next time.

Though this feeling of having to constantly prove our worth is familiar to many, it is acutely felt by the younger generation. Factors like social media, cultural expectations, and internalized beliefs make this self-validation a daily necessity.

We often fear being a burden. For the anxious perfectionist, this means believing that anything less than perfection will lead to disappointing others or being viewed as "too much.

The question is: How do we disrupt this self-reinforcing loop so that we can release its powerful hold?

The very first step is simple: recognise the pattern. Just understanding and acknowledging that this cycle exists is the crucial action that begins to loosen its grip on us.

We can also try to introduce self-compassion to the equation. The change is simple yet profound: consciously replace the rigid demand of “I must be perfect” with the kind acceptance of “I’m allowed to be human.” This shift is the most radical and healing step we can take.

Perfectionists often look at the entire intimidating task at once. To combat this, break large goals into the smallest possible action steps. If the goal is "clean the house," an achievable goal is "clean the kitchen sink and one counter." Or, instead of setting the goal to "get an A on my next exam," a simple step could be to "study for one focused hour today." This helps build momentum and provides small, frequent wins that counter the anxiety.

I'm not pretending this is an easy fix; I still struggle to accept 'good enough.' But I'm pushing forward. The crushing pressure I feel whenever I fall short of perfection is slowly starting to lift.

This brings to mind a painting escapade from many years ago, right after we had new double-glazed windows fitted throughout the house. I saw it as the perfect chance to brighten up the inside windowsills, too. Being me, I decided to tackle this ambitious DIY project while the hubby was at work, planning for him to come home to lovely, pristine sills matching our shiny new windows. I was so proud of my preparations, remembering to meticulously cover all the furniture (because, yes, I'm known to be just a little bit messy 🤭), and eagerly set about my task.

I was rather impressed with the first sill in the living room and decided I’d earned a celebratory cuppa. As I was pottering in the kitchen, it dawned on me, I hadn't shut the door! With two cats in residence, this was a disaster waiting to happen.

I rushed back into the room to find the unthinkable. One of our feline friends had not only walked the entire length of the wet windowsill but was now sauntering across the carpet, tail held high and a look of pure, smug satisfaction plastered on his face.

The immediate drama had two parts - First, I had to frantically try and smooth out the paint, a hopeless task since the faint, visible paw prints remained in that sill until the day we moved. Second, and far more terrifying, I had to figure out how to get paint out of the carpet before my hubby got home!

This was back in the “dark ages”, before search engines and YouTube DIY tips! Luckily, my dad came to the rescue, and we were able to clear the evidence just in time. What I thought would be an hour-long freshen-up turned into an epic, paint-splattered drama.

I could never look at that windowsill the same way again 😆.

Stop chasing the perfect path; life is defined by its beautiful, messy curves. Sometimes, simply being carried along is all the reward you need.

Take care and virtual hugs to you all.