Well, I didn't expect that!

My blog today is about that “well I didn't expect that” feeling. For me, in this instance, it was being able to hear my new mechanical mitral valve ticking following my open heart surgery. Now I can't say whether anyone mentioned this in the build up to the surgery but if they did I hadn't processed it or really comprehended what it would make me feel like to have this as a constant companion. It's particularly prevalent during the night when the house is so quiet. I want to put my fingers in my ears and sing “lalala” 

But generally if you suffer from any form of anxiety or mental health condition the phrase “well I didn't expect that” can release a myriad of emotions. When a situation takes an unexpected turn it can leave you feeling vulnerable and off-kilter. 

Anyone with anxiety will usually have a low tolerance for uncertainty. So the phrase shatters our feeling of being in control because to us it could lead to an unpredictable outcome and therefore underlines the idea that we cannot prepare for everything. This can cause a domino effect, triggering a surge of fear. 

Anxiety can make a person interpret any situation as a potential threat, even if it isn't. In my case, hearing the ticking makes me feel uncomfortable and on high alert waiting to hear if I can hear any change to my heartbeat because of my tendency to assume the worst case scenario. 

The phrase goes beyond a simple surprise, it can feel like a confirmation of your worst fears, and a deeply personal judgment that isn't necessarily based on objective facts or external evidence, but rather on your own unique emotions.

There are some brilliant sites, YouTube videos and platforms that can give expert advice on how to deal with this feeling and I have indeed used a number of the techniques suggested but I think it is important to not get too caught up in these if you find they don't work for you. The idea that there's a "right" way to do things is a myth. I know it's an easy thing to say but if you can let go of the belief that there's a perfect solution we're supposed to find, we open ourselves up to finding what truly works for us as individuals.

So if something doesn't work out, it's not a personal failure, it's just a learning curve. It tells us that a particular approach wasn't the right one at this moment. 

Maybe you can try looking at it like it's a piece of feedback telling you to try a different strategy or even a different approach. Every setback gives you new information that you didn't have before, making you smarter and better equipped for the next attempt☺️. 
 
So for my sunshine moment today I want to talk about my tick tick tick😂. 

The best way I can describe it is that I feel a bit like the crocodile in Peter Pan (Accredited to the story by J M Barrie). When I first had my operation I hardly heard the tick at all but as the weeks went on, it became much more prominent. This was to the point that not too long after my op when I was sat in the doctor's waiting room for one of my appointments (which was so quiet you could hear a pin drop), the couple sat next to me kept looking around and eventually when they realised it was actually me that was ticking they very subtly shifted away in their seats🫣
Now instead of fighting the uncomfortable feeling or getting upset over it I try to see it as a reassuring sign and the upside is I don't need a stopwatch to count time as I can do it all by myself 😂. 

Thank you for reading and a virtual hug to you all. 




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